affirmation, maybe that’s what i’ve been longing for. me to feel needed or wanted. but that’s not the way to go hence all the nonsense popping up.

bahh what kind of post is this. 20 yrs down i’ll look back.

BMT let me learn quite alot, from conquering my fears, meeting good friends, doing things i never thought i could, achieve something i never thought ever possible, feeling better about myself, getting new clothes. all these good stuff but the bad thing was my freedom was cut, my time was squeezed, i had little time for church not because i did not want to go, but i didn’t have a chance for saturdays. throughout all the shit we went through, at least i emerged a winner, a winner over my previous physical self, something unimaginable. my first birthday slim, my first christmas and new years and not the last in Jesus name. there will never be a last !

right now, really only one thing is still stuck on my mind. the cheese. it turned so moldy, effing disgusting, piece of shit and i tried to get a taste of it. soon the appreciation and mental space for the blue cheese set in, it was difficult to get accustomed to, but i really tried for once to force myself to like it instead of throwing it away like i always used to. but this time, i threw it and covered the lid for good. never ever eating that piece of cheese. i feel shitty and disgusted because of that cheese and all for what ? to be fooled by the cool appearance of it, i thought i’d give it another shot. turned out, it was all just a facade. a facade i think full of lies. sad, but i have to give it up. there is no other choice. it’s a sad choice, real sad for me.

the good the bad the ugly. what has changed ?

so probably this is what dad was trying to tell me why army will still hurt abit even though the training regime has gone down by heaps since his time, it’s because of being stripped of everything like your freedom. it’s a lesson to learn, a milestone to remember and a feeling you cannot describe.

i want to pass out. i want to earn a good allowance. i want an interesting vocation. there are so many things i want and i know Jesus can fulfill that. in His time.

sometimes army is fun, at times it can be quite demoralizing for me as an individual. people better than me, i am not as good and not outstanding like various individuals. but one thing that keeps me going is knowing that i am the best in my jesus’ eyes. if i never knew that, i would not have such motivation to push on, i would be keng-ing every other day get an 8-5 job and stuff.

it’s really jesus n me in camp that keeps me calm, helps me sleep peacefully, be optimistic. if not for you jesus, i don’t know where i’d be.

Jesus it’s okay for me not to understand stuff because i know you’ll always draw near to me.

i don’t know why but i always feel i didn’t spend enough time with my family. friday dinner, saturday breakfast and sunday lunch. i want this feeling to go away. go in happier and not always the same feel which sucks. goodness. help me jesus.

fear and anxiety still grips me, i’m looking forward yet sad to not see my family everyday, not being able to have that freedom i once held on to, it will be a challenge but either way, every Singaporean man is called to fulfill this season of his life.

i want to look back and say i have put in my best and come out and leave the old self behind. changing of heart.

this trip the most beautiful thing of all i saw was a mother’s love. be it both my aunties and especially my mom. aunt who lives there will be fetching the children around to school, tuition, church, music class what not and come back to cook. aunt who joined us prepares so many diff meals for her kids, makes sure there are things they like at all times and sleeps late because she tucks them in then goes wash up and all. finally my mom who wakes up every morning to prepare a bloody good brunch for us everyday, i got the privilege to join her every morning, helping her cook for the family. she spoils us with shopping, always wanting the best for us and lets us do our stuff before she gets her own personal space. always letting us have the best. maybe that’s why i feel so “home” sick (though i’m at home.)

home is not a house, home is family, people, relationships. that really is home and treasure every moment you have at home. precious people given by our Daddy God.

pictures up soon.

i hate pseudos. i just cannot stand people with a big mask on their face with fancy dandy lives. no i’m not jealous, i have a good life now and contented much. being a christian does not mean i do everything right, it’s because i have alot of wrong in my life i become a christian so Jesus can make them right. but i don’t deny my wrongs. i admit them and not say that this is a process God gave to me. somehow problems are always caused by us humans who can’t do shit on our own but thank God He has more than enough solutions and love to handle our nonsense. always and forever grateful.

army’s in 12 aug and i kinda look forward. new season, new physical body, i pray for a better shaping of character so my capacity can be increased by leaps and bounds. life is always good as long as you put jesus in the center. cannot fail, cannot help being good. that’s life for a christian. too bad.

thankful and grateful for great opportunities, eth and cara moments.

expectation/reality.

bu ke yi.

like today, i can always be practicing but the truth comes when you’re playing itself and it is a whole new ball game, no tactics planned. but jesus has already gone ahead and he knows the specific specs, details and strategies needed to get the game going on my side. all i have to do is let go let God.

that always works. you tell me no ? wake up !

derrick said, it’s not about the music. it’s about jesus. once you get that focal point right, the music will follow jesus wherever he leads. that is the prayer from my heart. i love that, and that is getting good results because it’s not my work. hahahaha. i’m lovin’ it.

backing trax. bass grooves.

jesus you and bass roll together as one.

thankyou

you crave so much for this burger. kobe beef patty, with truffle oil, truffles in the patty, some caviar at the side, and foie gras in between the bread. but the shit, this burger costs 150 bucks. will you pay for it ? you think and realise, man it’s worth it. i’m going to withdraw my money out and pay for this burger !

same, God looks at you, sees who in the dust you are and realizes you are worth it enough to send His One and only son to die for you. now that’s your worth.

the price tag on your life is Jesus’s death.

it brought right standing and right believing to a whole new level. say what you want, but this is the kicker of all kicker sermons that Pastor Ben has anointedly preached to all the Zone. this is insane. and because of this, we will Arise and take our places in the holy of holies. places where God has set us apart for, places to be an impact. places to shine the light of Jesus. wow.

it’s a new beginning, it’s an awesome start, chains broken, lives healed, hearts open, Christ revealed.

Restore Receive Reign.